Hi

It’s Maria. I’ve been blogging for some time now since I was younger about thus called awakening experiences. Since 2016 I’ve had what would be called “siddhi” activations or kundalini whatnot where the energies of disincarnate beings, trees, people’s thought-emotion thought goop would surround them. A lot of metaphysical theories felt radiant to me, and it was more like I was sitting inside of these words, realms of shamanistic worldviews rather than “a tourist seeking for what was at the other side”.

I simply felt like I was already on the other side and I read a lot of books and texts to help navigate/make sense of what was quite “normal” on this new reality. Oh dreams that felt like they were 20 years long, clairsenses speaking the Truth of a situation, wisdom initiations by spirit family and spontaneous heat, water, clarity on all of my bodies, parallel lives, all just my new normal etc etc.

The thing is, back in feb 2023 there was this remarkable shift were I felt like i got to the end of the line.  Finished all games of games. I had several dreams were they told me i no longer had lines on the script, oh there’s no blocking for you in the choreography.

I boarded a plane early. 

I have no baggage on me.

It’s really really weird to have no karma left on any lifetime. For starters, I always deeply felt into the guiding force of All, to do the next thing I must do. For example in dec ’22- jan ’23 I had this deep feeling I was supposed to find this teacher energy (I found them btw) and I would feel restless until I would find this specific person. So karma to me felt like a magnet, it’s like you’re fetching yourself home, and the magnet is point to gold or simply, You. So the thing is, when I felt like I ran out of karma, it was this weird feeling of total emptiness and directionlessness.

Mind you, I didn’t seek to be enlightened. If anything my interest in spirituality was always just to navigate the odd things that happened to me. I liked Truth, i stood by it, but i never really
“wanted” to be a master. I remember someone calling me that and being like, what do you mean by that word? If anything I felt like our energies coming online was as natural as a plant growing it’s fruits and flowers. All these energy bodies, it’s just extra puberty! I understand there’s a getting out of a way, and knowing our way around these energies, but there’s also just this whole Life/Death intelligence that works our way through us. So what are you really mastering? 

Also the age old adage – who is the “You” that wakes up?

Ok, so before I go all yoda on here, the way I described this to a friend is I feel like I got overpromoted. I literally just wanted to be able to help transmute energies/“help” souls, across lifetimes. I wanted the clients/mentees i got in class to be able to keep with them the energy forms across their timelines and lifetimes. (monadic level) In yoga speak i guess i wanted to make a pretty advanced kriya. I didn’t know I was ending all my stories and games (this is what i call karma sometimes), for good good when I was considering this. It was almost like I did my last jump on accident, I wanted to help more.

So here’s the tricky thing.

When you, frankly, explode into All things. There’s this wonderful union into all things, but you can also feel the very edges of existence in all dimensions. It’s very lonely, almost as claustrophobic as it is expansive. It’s like — oh I Am All There Is … and then you go, Oh Fuck I Am All There Is?!!!

And there’s this really real feeling of having to go! like die! In yogic cultures they say that when you finish all your karma its like finishing all bondage here and you can spontaneously ascend/transcend and whatnot, and enlightened folks who stayed here have to not only have to 1) generate kamra but also 2) invent a “persona”/synth (ego is janky term) to “talk” and go to parties and whatnot. I’ve seen western folks also talk about needing to reboot their persona from scratch even if Total Liberation felt better. 

Yo. Let me tell you. Reconstituting a synth is goddamn hard.

I really had to negotiate with myself if I even wanted to stay here. When can I “die” (80?50?). Do I really want to interact with “people”? The thing is, as I explained it to my friend, from my perspective I see people’s energies/soul potency and how much of it is online. A lot of people are even BARELY here, this is why when I talk to entities like say Mother Mary or Shiva, they feel more real to me, than say that “person” because their energies are Fully Online, Mature, Integrated, Transcended. it’s like when I talk to “someone” I’m in this paradoxical squint of okay i know what you Are, on the level of liberated soul but you’re like this janky frictiony combulated effed parts and I need to almost talk through that junk just to “get” to you? 

It’s highly labor intensive! Some people even spontaneously process their shadow around me, so I also have to manipulate my energy to be cloaked and have buffer coils to not be so “invasive/abrasive” to people’s egos. MIND YOU! I don’t want to pry into people’s lives it’s just that I’ve fully dropped judgement for people’s worst selves, as well as their demons. So of course the demons jump out to play and talk to me! They finally have a friend! But I also understand that this is deemed Not Normal in a lot of contexts, if anything as a shaman there is a lot of care with equipping someone of integrating their shadow. Not everyone is cognizant/willing to do that quite yet. Ergo, I’m constantly in this energetic acrobatics when I’m around other “personas” so as not to bruise them so hard.

I’ve even had this one person be scared to go in a room with me because it’s like “they’re seeing too much of me and it’s just Ate (sister) maria’s peripheral vision”. I know this sounds fantastic super powers, but can you imagine how hard it is to make a synth that can pass off as normal then? 

Like if I’m not a full on guru/sadhaki in india, I’m a citygirl person in manila, Philippines, people would have no context for my experiences or abilities. I’m in this world but not of it, in a very literal way. Me alive to All of Myself means that any limited games feel circumstantial to me, there’s no real hooks. I can’t play the game.

I remember the dream being outside of a soccer match. Also just me as a child being that “salingkit” (filiipino term of someone who joined a game but they’re not part of the game. imagine giving a kid a toy golf club, and you bring them to golf. They’re in the game! For fun, for presence, but they don’t score points). It’s like the joker card in a poker deck. Or the narrator on stage in a play. They’re kinda a character but not. They can’t score points. That Narrator guy doesn’t really have plot development, he’s just there. 

I run at the side of the soccer field coaching and goading the other players still on the field. It’s quite enjoyable. I have a nice physique.

I can not score points.

I am not in the scoreboard.

There’s this weird feeling that comes with being game-less. I tend to have this paradoxical full involvement but also zero involvement with everything. Here’s the thing, when a bunch of ghosts or like someone cries to me about an issue, the way I love, hold/perceive them is very open. I guide them to Truth or their Birthright, but I also have no personal stake. I literally have no person. I am incapable of it. So when I “love” (for purposes that’s like a nice energetic frequency thats nourishing and supportive) I offer it freely to everyone, buffet style with no need of hook exchange or pay. 

Right now I can rest into the center of centers of earthly existence and offer my energy, and i feel myself transmute, usually burp and move different kinds of things. Feminine trauma, attachment, violence, just that whole wallop. There was a time that being able to hold “all of war” was too much pain for me — and now it’s actually quite doable. I can actually feel and hold all of those souls. It’s a very sublime acceptance. So! there’s just that whole conundrum for my local “maria persona/synth” of being just utterly useless.

It’s like I run an underground mafia ring that runs everything, and oh, also a pizzeria for my storefront. Localized “maria” being “helpful” is just a question of is my pizza good. Which is important! Kind of! but to the scale of infinite mafia ring, it’s not. It’s actually super humbling to run out of “human” things to do.

Any time I plan to blog, post, make a podcast, run a class or whatever it feels utterly pointless. I’m giving my human something to do, but in the Actual Scale Of Things. It’s not important. You know that thing in your spiritual journey where you ask higher self/source what is the best way to go about things? I literally get a “doesn’t matter” now every time i ask that question. 

Would making music be the best course? Writing a short story? Maybe run a class?

“Doesn’t matter” — Your existence, and transmuting in the other planes is what matters. I had a whole argument with spirit of like “yea whatever the ceo/mob boss wants to cook eggs in one of his pizza branches who CARES if that’s a safety issue, I CAN right??” and I do my best to do client-work in the most straightforward way possible. Minding my own business with the “omg psychic training courses” that occasionally bump around in my algorithm. The manifest gross reality, it’s so much work! Just a lot of stupid things going on and a lot of folks barely awake to how 1) janky their equipment is 2) how they’re operating on barely a percent of their soul’s full capacity. 

Anyway.

So time like, becomes Eternal. A lot of what people feel in DMT/shroom states is just My Regular. You know that feeling where you feel like everything is happening all at once and so much information, the way the trees breathe, the underlying emotion of that actress on the TV, a specific history this touches in my soul — it’s just a constant coil-flux inside of me all the time. I’m in all time and all places, just forever.

I can’t feel compelled to say “omg this concert/locale is better in person the “live” experience” and I’m like, how alive are you? When i tap into the frequency of that concert, I can be more “there” than you are right now. I can feel the history of the singer, the ebbing and rising of collective feeling states of the crowd. The history of the arena, the ghosts watching. What do you mean by that’s “away” from me. Nothing is apart from me. Nothing is really past or future. Everything is concurrent.

When i drop into a specific spot of energy, I feel myself blast out into multiple points of witnessing. The me that has a kid, that was a man, that’s in college staring at a grill while in front of a photocopying machine — we are all sharing the same moment. We are one thing. We are in deep Union. We Are. I Am. So seeking dies cause everything is here. There’s no feeling of “im running out of time” or “im supposed to be somewhere”. Where is somewhere?? What is the time you say you’re running out from? It’s like people are always in this linear ticker tape and i bent that line into a circle. From a line to a circle. Add all timelines, parallel dimensions, circle to a sphere. Fractal all the way up and down. Everything. All at once.

A lived experience of Forever. The Eternal Now.

Now obviously I can still say stuff like “back in 2016” linear time is a setting of speech. Me speaking from a first person “maria experienced this” instead of a yoda-like “the you in me was in the coordinates this place that time, in eternity” is linguistically unhelpful. Like huh? It can be accurate but I can talk like a linear-land person. I like linear me! I love Maria, I made her lovingly.

Speaking of which, making a persona. So, I’m actually quite an introverted person, back in 2016 when i had a lot of awakening experiences, I still danced and looked for the local magick people and shared my experiences with trustworthy people. It’s like a fledgeling in new life. 

Okay so feb ’23 me is like getting a dynamite exploder to everything that is, and being in a masterclass of okay. What are you gonna Re-make and keep? Everything is constantly birthing/dying anyway. What’s essential in your pizzeria. Is that necessary? That way you make money, oh how bout that pride thing? What do you mean by personal connections? How are you gonna address the power imbalance when you interface with other personas? 

it’s a lot of goddamn questions. it’s like you operated a lot of apps to help you build your rocket/computer/synth and now they’re like “WE DISCONTINUE ALL BORROWED APPS” Go make your own! Make it from scratch! A lot of the baked in assumptions from borrowed apps say “buddhism” or “shamanism” is Not Necessary. You have a direct coil to existence now. So how you gonna arrange the interface? See why I like the word synth? It emphasizes that the persona is designed and is vehicular, has circuitry, has operative stuff going on. Totally programmable.

Two days ago: I had a dream. Synth is finished. I am touring my mom in this play park and my fake passport goes thru the line. The system pulls up fake records of me, like a botched save file on a video game. Old stats come up but it’s hazy. I walk my mom to places but im also displaced. We’re sitting beside ea other, numerically but I am several stories Up in Reality. I assure her that I’m accompanying her in the circus. I find it ironic that the circus-prison is also how they describe plato’s cave. Some realized folks just walk out. I’m weirdly still eating ice cream helping ppl go on the merry go round, but also, just also Not In The Circus Actually Ever. 

Im a joker card, with a fake passport. 

GOD FINALLY! MY FAKE ID IS WORKING!! 

I wake up in linear reality so relieved. After two and a half months? My synth feels more or less complete and I can walk into situations now without feeling angry at all of humanity or completely allergic to people. I made a program of how i react, what my human’s “values and preferences are” it’s so MUCH smoother now. I cannot explain how relieved I am but also still so paradoxically full and empty.

I oddly wonder about reading about other siddhakas, saints and yogis in person stories just to get ideas about programming software. I’m really not quite a fan of cults, sounds like a lot of work even if priestess is a vibe. A friend called me “self-illuminated” and im like a DIY chop shop for folks who wanna operate their life differently. Sure on human device level but also spiritual finish all your karma bullshit too. It’s very fun toolshed, workshop, crafty instead of I’m dictating how this should go. I would dump all the lego blocks in one pile with no instructions and be like. Here’s some useful systems of creation/destruction, make your own set. You don’t need to come with a store-bought, ancestor, collective dictated program. Let’s get into the fabric blueprint level of you — what is your consciousness? your awareness? your soul’s manner and strength?

I’ll be real with you. I think I’m not so good at marketing. For one thing I don’t have a personal agenda to hook people into workshopping with me. People who want to workshop will find my workshop. I’ve had folks find me when they start doing dreamwork. I am a gate that is gating that is gateless myself. I google “non-dual affirmations” on youtube the other day and it’s quite unpopular versus the “manifest great live affirmations” one.

I have another dream:

Only when people fulfill all of their desires so quickly do they arrive to emptiness faster. The fulfillment of desire is almost easier than dropping desire. So we make getting rich easier, finding that “lover”, perceived status what not whatever game people be playing. Then you get to the end faster. You get to the open world part of the game, where there’s no more pre-installed mission. (oh and by the way you re make the game from scratch before you go open world …). It’s just, easier this way.

So, I help clients, “fulfill” their dreams. Sure. Until you finish your rides in the theater/circus. Heck it’s kinda cute. I like kpop still! I designed my synth to still like tuning into latest releases. I need some kind of karma to hold me here. 

Hmn.

So that’s kinda been the thing I’ve just been playing with lately. 

Is there a way I can make gamelessness attractive? Walking out of the matrix, honest but also something people would get curious about? What’s a way of describing it simply?

Do i just sell pizza with ice cream, you know tell people this is how you learn “magick”, and set up my shaman-herbalist-wxch shop and call it a day? I’m on @mariamison__ on IG I have an email on this blog somewhere but also: How many souls Actually want to reach the Endgame? Most of my monadic clearing clients are goddamn disincarnate visiting me in my dreams. I don’t even think it’s a marketing problem, it’s a who’s ready on the bell curve thing and some days I just want stab a lever on the bell-curve cause all these “people” are barely alive.

I don’t know.

For now I guess I’m done typing.